The Shame of Consistent Inconsistency

The only time I have ever referred to myself as consistent was when describing my inconsistency.  If there is one thing I can share about my ADHD that is maddening to me, it is that this idea of “consistency” seems so foreign and far-fetched.

Last night the hubs and I were talking and discussing the state of our home right now. I can make this place appear put together in a pinch, but the truth is that it is full of cluttered cupboards, random piles in corners, and bins and baskets of mismatched items that I used in a quick clean up and never revisited.  I have clean laundry that sits for weeks, areas of chaos in each room, and each day I become more and more overwhelmed.

Saturday Paul texted me while I was out and shared that he gets anxious about the house, the car, and the garage, and wondered if we could work together to come up with better solutions.  Immediately the shame monster appears, and the sting of disappointment hits me hard.  To be honest, I knew this was coming soon. The house was overwhelming me and causing me anxiety, but I didn’t even know where to begin to tackle things. When it gets to be so much I become paralyzed, and I watch as it continues to get worse.

I am tired.  I am so stinking tired of coming up with solutions, plans, and systems that seem exciting and fun in the beginning but quickly get forgotten and irrelevant.

I am tired.  I am so stinking tired of coming up with solutions, plans, and systems that seem exciting and fun in the beginning but quickly get forgotten and irrelevant. If one part of the system we set in place to complete a task changes or doesn’t fit perfectly into the mold at that moment I simply stop.

Imagine the factories they show in “How It’s Made.” There is such an exact timing and precision that has to happen for all things to function smoothly.  If one part of the machine malfunctions the rest of the tasks after it cannot be completed until things are fixed.  For me it’s as if I shut down the entire factory as soon as one part of the machine malfunctions instead of going in to troubleshoot, fixing the problem, and continuing on with business as usual.

I cannot tell you how tired I am of shutting down factories. I am so tired of feeling like I start one process just to wait until I fail at it, because I know that even with my best intentions I will get bored, overwhelmed, and throw the whole thing out.

I see this in each and every are of my life, and when you continue to see this over and over again you begin to feel shame as you see your family impacted.  I feel like I am a good mom, but then I feel like a failure when it comes to providing an environment that is scheduled, structured, and has clear expectations.  I have tried chore charts, and while we do well for a while, they quickly get forgotten.

I wish this was a post that offered solutions for those of you who feel the same.  This is one of those “Brain Dump” posts where I am pulling all of the emotions out of my head and letting them out through my typing, because it is therapeutic. I wish I could tell you that medication has fixed it all, that essential oils made me magically consistent, that alarms, apps, reminders, paying for services, or even prayer made it all better.  The truth is that these things have helped for a bit, but they take consistency, that thing that I so desperately wish came naturally to me.

I know I preach to embrace your imperfections, and I do TRULY believe we can do this, but I am here to tell you that I know it isn’t an easy task.  It is hard when some of those imperfections bring about shame and cause frustration for others.  It is hard when we feel like our brains are “broken” in some way.

However, my encouragement for you (and maybe I am talking more to myself here) is to look for those areas where you shine, and know that they have value too.  God has given you gifts that He so perfectly chose for you.  Somewhere along the way He chose someone else to receive a passion for label makers, baskets, and storage bins (ha, my mother), and He chose you (me) for gifts that they might not possess. I know God has given me many gifts and talents, but the devil has a way of making me feel that the ones that matter are the ones God didn’t bestow on me.

If you have shame in the consistency of your inconsistency,         know that you are not alone.

If you have shame in the consistency of your inconsistency, know that you are not alone.

Together let’s try our best to learn that it is important to keep opening up those factories even if we feel we have to keep shutting them down.

Together let’s try our best to know that our value as a wife and mother is not based on empty laundry baskets and organized cupboards.

Together let’s try our best to always work at being better than we are today, and to keep giving ourselves grace.

And let’s just all accept that we will do all of the above consistently inconsistently, but maybe with a little less shame.




Telling My Story

23192360_10100637510371054_1768848242_oMany of you know that I adore creating video and sharing parts of who I am and what I do.  When it comes to sharing  have my topics in “buckets” of the parts of me that are important to share.  These include LuLaRoe, ADHD, Momming, and Tech stuff.

I find myself sharing about LuLaRoe and tech things super easy.  These are straight forward and it’s easy to share styling tips and camera lenses. The topics that have been hard for me have been sharing deeper about ADHD and the momming side.  It’s not that I am scared to share my story, but I find it is SO personal that I get stuck on wanting to make sure I do it justice.

In general I share about the fact that I HAVE ADHD, and that I have some super adorable crazy kids, but it’s the nitty-gritty of these topics I want to dive even more into.  I want to be vulnerable enough to share the difficult thoughts I have.  The mental exhaustion when it comes to reminding myself I AM good enough.  I am worthy. I AM okay despite disorganized papers, a lack of structure, and piles of laundry.

I am a strong advocate that we cannot truly build connection until we learn to be more vulnerable with each other, and in the same token we learn to extend grace to one another.  There have been moments I have been vulnerable and have had people comment about my parenting, say my “ideas are stupid,” and that I am “out of touch with reality.”  People I don’t even know have made comments on posts about who I am when they really don’t know me at all.

And what makes me most pissed is that it hurts me to the core.  People I do not even know have enough power with their typed words to bring me to tears and question what I am sharing.

So, I am going to say “screw it,” and make myself share more about the vulnerable parts of my life.  It is through this vulnerability that I know I have inspired, and I do not want to stop because of a few people who choose to comment hurtful things.

I am going to work at allowing myself to not be paralyzed by the feeling I have to do my story “justice,” because not sharing ISN’T doing it justice either.  Keeping quiet isn’t helping anyone, nor is it fulfilling what I truly feel God has called me to.

So, I am going to work at sharing more.  To not allow myself to become paralyzed by making sure it is shared “right,” and not being fearful of those who comment hurtful things.  I want to share so others don’t feel so alone, and so I can encourage others they can do great things.


What You May Not Know When You Ask Her “Are There Two In There?”


This post is actually copied from my original post in my family blog from April 16, 2016.  My friend, Mary,  shared her journey here and it inspired me to share mine again.

#1in4 #123her

I actually hadn’t planned on writing this post, but I realize that this is something most people do not think about, as it isn’t talked about much, or all that common. So, I thought I’d share my story.

First, some of us may think it’s obvious why you shouldn’t ask a pregnant woman if she is having twins, as it implies she is looking rather large.  While this offends some, this doesn’t bother me as I know pregnancy brings about a big belly, and I can get over that.  But, the real reason I think we all really need to think about asking a woman this question is much deeper.

You see, when you ask a pregnant woman “are you sure you don’t have two in there,” what you may not know is that at 7 weeks she went in for an ultrasound due to some stomach pain.

What you most likely don’t know is that during that ultrasound the tech looked at her and said, “Now this is interesting.  I see one baby….and I see two babies.”  And in that instance that mother TOO saw two babies.  Two babies.  Two flickering heart beats.  Two souls growing inside of her.

What you don’t know is that in that moment her heart raced out of pure and utter fear, but perfect excitement. In that moment her heart instantly grew and she was a mother who was now in love with not just her baby #4, but her unexpected baby #5.

What you don’t know is how uneasy she became when the doctor came in and said “I am concerned about the viability of Baby A.  The heart rate is low and growth is a week behind.”  How she heard him mention a few statistics, but all she could think of was how she so badly wanted that little runt, Baby A.

What you didn’t know was that for the next two weeks she and her husband prayed incessantly for God to care for both of the lives inside of her.  That although they were scared to death, they knew there were two beating hearts inside of her that belonged to them.  Their babies.  Their children.

And what you might not know is that for those same two weeks she feverishly Googled “Vanishing Twin Syndrome” to help ease her fears that Baby A would just become another statistic.  That she would find herself getting excited over the thought of bringing two babies into this world, but squashed her excitement with fear and sadness if she was to find out that Baby A didn’t make it.

What you don’t know is that at 9 weeks her ultrasound was one of her most bittersweet moments.  She instantly knew when she looked at the screen that her biggest fear was true.  Baby A’s heartbeat was no longer flickering, no longer present, and no longer alive.  In that moment she battled between rejoicing for a healthy, active Baby B, and feeling crushed as she looked at Baby A’s smaller, almost vacant sac.

What you don’t know is that she sobbed with her husband, and felt guilt for having such grief while she had so much to be thankful for.  She was carrying a thriving Baby B.  Baby #4.

What you don’t know is that a miscarriage is a miscarriage and that no matter if you have another baby, you so deeply mourn the loss of the baby you no longer have, even if you only knew about that baby for 2 weeks.  You equally grieve for the loss as you rejoice for the life.

What you don’t know is that she met with the nurse after this ultrasound who hadn’t realized the results and exclaimed “Congratulations!  How exciting!  Did you know you were having twins?!” So while your heart freshly wounded you had to explain that in fact, you did know, but that you no longer carried two babies.

What you wouldn’t know is that she cried the entire way home while she listened to “Good Good Father,” and because she knows her Father, she belted out:

You’re A Good Good Father

It’s who You are, It’s Who You Are

And I’m Loved by You

It’s Who I am, It’s Who I am

What you don’t know is that when she hears of someone having twins it stings just a bit.  When she sees two babies in the grocery story her heart aches for just a second when she thinks of the “what if.”

What you don’t know is that she rejoices with this new life inside of her, but knows this pregnancy will always carry with it some loss.  The birth will be joyous, but there will be a side of her that grieves what “could have been.”  There will always be an ache in her soul when she remembers that flickering heartbeat at 7 weeks.

You see, when you ask “Are there two in there?” she really REALLY wants to tell you “yes.”  She so wishes the answer was different than the actual response.   When you ask her if she is having twins it stings, because she can’t tell you that yes, indeed, she is carrying the two babies she had prayed for not that long ago.

What you can be sure of is that we are happy, and Baby B is growing and thriving.  What you can be sure of is that we rejoice for the gift God has given us, and we look forward to someday meeting our Baby A.

 baby 1baby2
(If you ever asked or joked with me about twins, it’s okay 🙂  This isn’t meant to guilt, and I know that it is all in innocence, but I also know that sometimes we don’t realize someones journey or story.  I know my story isn’t common, but I urge you to think twice before you ask a woman if she is carrying twins.  I know 100% that no one has ever meant harm in this common joke)

ADHD: When It “Got In My Way”


I have somehow always known I had ADHD.  Maybe it was because I took after my brother and my dad (both who have ADD), or because my mom worked with many ADHD kids in her lifetime and just knew it while she was raising me.

Either way, I never had to “come to terms” with the fact that I might have ADHD.  I am thankful I grew up in a home where there was never a stigma placed on such things.   In fact, I think I had more shame with my behavior and not completing projects BEFORE I had a diagnosis.

While I had always known I had ADHD, it took me a long time to get tested. You see, many people are tested as kids.  While in school they exhibit behavior that actually hurts their grades or they get into trouble for being disruptive.  Thankfully, school was a breeze for me growing up and I LOVED it.  The thing with ADHD is that while there is difficulty in keeping attention, there is NO problem with hyper-focusing on things we enjoy.  For me, school was fun.  It was social.  It was interesting, and therefore I skated through Kindergarten to college without a single teach suggesting to my parents I get tested.

As a kid my “job” was school.  After school it was any of my extra-curricular activities, homework, and any chores I might have.  The chores were the toughest part for me.  They were a bore, so it took my mom a good amount of reminders to get me moving (my bedroom in high school was a strong source of tension–I get it now, Mom! 😜).

My ADHD never really reared its ugly head until I got older and gained more responsibility–aka children.  That woman in the picture above had no idea what was coming.  I no longer had to only be accountable to myself, but now I had to keep kids organized.  There were appointments, chores, homework, sports, etc. I barely kept myself organized, and now I had to be responsible for others.  Now, throw in there that I am about 90% sure my oldest has ADHD and we are working with a whole other ball game!  If anyone has a great book with some form of title like “Parenting a Child with ADHD while Managing Your Own ADHD” please send it my way!

With each child I had, I noticed my anxiety heightened. This was confusing for me to figure out, but once I did it was life-changing.  I don’t know what it looks like for everyone, but I found that if my ADHD wasn’t managed it presented as anxiety.  Basically, my brain would become so overwhelmed with trying to prioritize what to do that it would cause anxiety.

Honestly, I have no idea how long I “lived” with my anxiety this way before I finally said “THAT’S IT!  I NEED HELP!”  I do know that I spent a lot of time feeling edgy.  I would be home with kids all day, overwhelmed by the messes, feeling I couldn’t get ahead, and hyper-focusing into any project I had that stimulated my brain.  By the time my husband came home I was crabby.  This was for many reasons:

  1.  I was annoyed at my kids that they didn’t listen or wouldn’t pick up their messes.  The truth is that I didn’t like picking up messes either, and I wouldn’t teach them how.  I would snap at them for not doing things I didn’t even want to do as an adult!  I realize now that I needed to come alongside them to help and to teach.
  2. I was frustrated at myself for not staying on top of the laundry or having the house more “put together.”  I wouldn’t know where to start, so often I wouldn’t EVER start.  I would let things go and let things go and let things go…..
  3.  Last minute I would try to pull together a dinner that wasn’t planned with ingredients I didn’t have (ha-which STILL happens).  At this point in the day I was tired, frustrated with my kids, and disappointed in myself.

By the time Paul walked through the door he wasn’t going to win.  He had a wife who was edgy and annoyed at everyone.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a complete jerk all the time (right, Paul???).  I just found that the days like I described above happened a good number of times, and they are what I regret and feel guilt about the most “pre-ADHD testing.”

So, back to the question: “When did ADHD get in my way?”  I would say it has always gotten in my way, but I found ways to cope and manage when I was a kid and even married without kids.  I knew it was time to get more help when I was hurting the ones I cared for the most.  My ADHD made it hard to complete basic households tasks, which hurt my family, but mostly it was the anxiety from mismanaged ADHD that hurt them the most.  I was so overwhelmed with the list of tasks I had to complete that I felt everyone was doing things “to me.”  The kids weren’t picking up their toys and I took it personal.  My husband had a late work meeting and I took it personal.

It is easy to convince ourselves that we can manage things.  It is easy to justify why we feel certain things and why we respond certain ways.  It is easy to blame others.

I finally got sick of living this way.  I was tired of never getting ahead and taking it out on my family.  I knew things could be better and I was the only one that could take control of my mental health.

My best advice is that it doesn’t ever hurt to get help.  Getting tested and learning about how my brain works was one of the most empowering decisions I have ever made.

Are things perfect now?  Nope.

Are the better?  Absolutely.

Am I sometimes still a cranky mom and wife?  Not at all 😝  Okay, yes, but not NEAR as often!

Everyone’s story is different.  This is mine. Watch to learn more:



Let’s Do This

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I have had this domain name awhile, however for some reason I have yet to post anything.  I don’t usually have any issue sharing my thoughts and putting my words out there for the world to read, yet I have been a bit unsure where to begin this blog.

I was reminded yesterday by a woman on my team (Amy Leahy) that just putting something out there is more important than it being perfect.  She recently heard Spencer X Smith speak and he said “80% out the door is better than 100% in the drawer.” While I tend to be someone who fully embraces the imperfect, I have found I can get caught up wanting things to be “just so.”

I finally decided that today is the day! I am done over-thinking this little blog. I am posting SOMETHING here in my little space of the interwebs whether it be eloquently written or not.

This will be a space where I share about life, momming, ADHD, business, Jesus, fashion, driving a trailer full of clothing, and all the things in between.

I am excited to see how this evolves and where it will take me. I’d love if you’d join me!